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the lietmotiv of my life is regret. [9:42pm | April 13th, 2006]
time may be the carrier of all things biological, but if anyone cares to notice we shoulder our portion of the burden as well. we carry time like sisyphus'legendary stone. Hidden in the euphamism "when youre older" and the concept of tomorrow, is the dead weight of a promise with too many stipulations. Whatever happened to the bergsonian image opposing all semblance of linear thought? society force feeds life in terms of preparation. im sick of tomorrows. lets talk about today.

the three people closest to me TODAY are 1. a junkie who i lose sleep over. 2. captain don quixote (not in the seduction sense but in the creation of battles. 3. someone who has forgotten all too easily the ties of friendship in the face of something perhaps better...?.

my job TODAY provoked a tidal wave of irrational anger taking out random passerby. Hardly innocents, but still hardly justifiable.

the sheer whims of tyrants to which i bent TODAY and the futility of it all, is enough to make even keanu reeves show emotion.

the entire pack of cigarettes i smoked TODAY in cooperation with the previous 12 packs ive smoked this month so far im fairly certain have turned my lungs a lovely shade of black. but im going to ignore the future implications on that one as that would defeat the whole purpose of this entry. it made me feel better TODAY.

the hot but not-so-steady stream of water TODAY from my ghetto fabulous shower head couldn't take my concerns with it down the drain. this disappointment far surpasses my conscious expression.

TODAY i saw my own reflection in the masses of self-interested libertines surrounding me (a lily that festers smells far worse than weeds - not that i ever really was a lily to begin with).

TODAY i am faced with an indomitable burden of sadness:

extrinsic in the sense of the absurdity of life and people:

'we can achieve nothing that will transend this fatal game of appearances.'

intrinsic in the sense of self-loathing:

'it is good for a man to judge himself occasionally. he is alone in being able to do so.'
1 drowned | coming for a swim?

i never thought we'd end up like this... [11:03pm | December 30th, 2005]
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend
coming for a swim?

[10:19pm | December 30th, 2005]
[ mood | heart-broken ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

This is my life. Simplified. Countless bottles of jack daniels and one big mess.

1 drowned | coming for a swim?

im fucking hot as bitches right now. [4:57pm | December 25th, 2005]
so im sitting right here at work (comme la nuit derniere aussi) aaaaand im kind of fucked up from last night. took some zannies to fuck me up in the wee hours of the morning that lasted a bit too long... sooo woke up about five minutes before i had to work rolled off the couch (yes couch... not bed) and stumbled to work with my baileys and coffee to add to the fucked up theme of the evening. remorse for my sucky work ethic? fuuuuck no. working for a dumb born into privelage money grabbing punkass cunt whos had the world handed to her at a young age and never had to do a day of actual work (not micromanagement work being a machinist skank all up in peoples business kind of work) doesnt really instill any sort of obligation for work ethic.

some people would pull the its more about respect of myself and how i can feel satisfied knowing that every day i did my best regardless of the circumstances surrounding my job... yeah, thats not me. i abandoned that higher road a long time ago. say when the spoiled bitch with millions of dollars to spare decided not to give anyone a christmas bonus this year just after sending out an email about how laughing, chit-chatting, and using the word "shoot" are not permissable in the work environment. at the fucking HOSTEL. we are not the hilton. you dont pay us enough for us to act like it is. and the guests are getting cockroach infested nasty ass rooms that they share with seven other people in bunk beds. yeah hilton my fucking ass you sheisty skank. Fuck the higher road of self enlightenment. fuck working for your benefit. everyone that works for you hates you, that obviously insinuates some sort of heinous actions on your part. and whats with not getting any sort of overtime on christmas? thats got to be illegal or something... especially when youre fucking rolling in money to the point where you go out every weekend and spend just about the same amount of money that you would spend if you were to give EVERY single one of your employees a bonus. you drop that much on commercialised name brand shit in one week you fucking greedy bastard. yeah. talk about a selfish bitch. shes never known what its like to live paycheck to meager fucking paycheck. not having fucking groceries every other week bc the money that should be given to you is pocketed by someone who has already got more money than they know what to do with... karma is a fucking bitch is all i have to say. when you get yours and are on the ground fucking crying like the little bitch you are, ill have you bite the curb and stomp on your fucking skull. this may be live journal but im dead serious...

tonight im getting loaded. at work. on the clock. damn the man, stick it to the wench.

that is all.
4 drowned | coming for a swim?

[9:48pm | November 1st, 2005]
so last night was pretty fun. I had to work until midnight but it was a party at the hostel anyways so it wasnt too bad. Since I didnt have a costume Savvy helped me rig up a toga to go as a greek goddess, Adam sprayed my body in gold glitter, Jan made me a crown of leaves, and everyone pitched in bc i wasnt festive enough apparantly. It was muchos appreciated bc I ended up going out after work anyways even though i was insistent that I was going to have a mellow evening. At midnight I headed back to my apartment got lit with g had a few shots with kristy and lisa... then we headed to the dawg house (where else). It was such a trip bc it was crazy crowded with everyone in costumes. Waikiki is just about the coolest place to be on halloween. its like new years, absolutely nuts. the beach road is pretty much closed down bc there are so many people - literally thousands of people- out in costume acting bonkers in the streets. I felt bad for all the bouncers at the bar as they were crazy stressed from the madness. We got to see everyone though as they had pretty much everyone working last night to try and tame the crowd. We ran into Sergio, Lee, Jan, Max, and a bunch of other random people. We got incredibly trashed and then headed to jack in the box. We were sitting at a table when some scantily clad chic with cottage cheese thighs avec ass cheeks hanging below her dress hem walked in and started talking trash calling us fat and stuff. Lisa and Kristy started yelling back (were all wasted) and the chic just kept at it. She took turns at digging into each of us, and when she got to me, I stood up and just said, "what?" She was all, "I looked like you when I was 12!" This chic was bitter at the world I swear. She was middle aged (35 or something?) and just plain beat, but somehow she thought she had grounds for calling us all these horrible things! I was honestly more interested in my sourdough breakfast jack and my potato wedges than what was going on, but then Gretchen decided it was time to leave before things escalated. So we all start to leave and we get up one by one and shes ticking stuff off as we each walk by - theres a fat one, etc. So I get up to leave and she starts fumbling her words, like... "there goes... there goes another one..." so these guy who were sitting near us came over and picked me up with one hand each and carried me out of jack in the box as if i was sitting on a throne of sorts, (this mental image is so funny... remember im still dressed up at this point) and start saying things like, "you wish you looked like her!" And that shut her up. It was classic. I was a bit disappointed that I had to leave before I was done with my potato wedges though :-(

Then we went home and crashed out around like 5 or 6 in the morning... and I got up about five minutes before i had to be at work tonight! Mad rush, got out the door and to work on time, and here I am. Voila! And thats pretty much my halloween in a nut shell. One hour and counting until Im finished work

coming for a swim?

[4:33pm | October 22nd, 2005]
[ mood | worried ]

Last night I had this crazy second in my sleep when I saw the person that I perhaps care for the most in my life standing over my bed. He looked horrible and sick. He was thin and had bags under his eyes and his face was all cut up and bloodied as if he had just been in a fight. His hair was greasy and plastered to the cuts on his face. The scariest part of all were his eyes; they were almost entirely black with very little if any white around the edges. Ive seen him like that (minus the creepy eyes of course) before and Im afraid hes headed back in that direction. It sucks to admit it but hes the only one who can help himself. Ive tried and all I can do now is be there for him if he needs anything. It just hurts to see the people you love most making the same mistakes over and over again. Anyways, seeing him all creepy like in my sleep just jarred me awake and I couldnt get much more sleep after that. Currently, Im pounding a red bull to keep me up at work... I have to find a way to survive until midnight. blah.

coming for a swim?

[2:34pm | October 3rd, 2005]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

I am entirely too bored...Collapse )

2 drowned | coming for a swim?

[9:30pm | October 2nd, 2005]
[ mood | amused ]

The dawg house = good time.

L, K, G and I went to the dawg house last night after G and I got off work (@1am). There was a bit of a line, but seeing as Lisa rocks my world and Chris is the most adorable bouncer in the world, we didn't have to wait. We made the rounds and said hey to a bunch of people... saw ori (really sweet isreali guy who used to go out with an old roommate of mine), otie (cant spell his name but the samoan guy that I apparantly made out with when I was trashed a couple weeks ago), and a bunch of random people that we always see there. I got all wasted and was crazy dancing with Vie (again, cant spell the samoan names - hes a really nice big samoan bouncer guy). Owen (hot aussie guy) came to visit, then we ran into Santa Barbara (who ended up completely making out with my friend - who has a fiance by the way). Then this israeli guy who I would later find out is named Gil walked by and Lisa just deadpanned going on and on, something about fine specimen, bone structure and hottie. I was trying to drunkenly assess him so I think I made eye contact for a bit too long as was evidenced by him smirking and blushing. After last call we ordered a last round of shots and at this point in the evening, absolutely hammered, we stumbled outside and ended up sitting on the ledge in front of denny's for about an hour. Some random pizza guy walked by and offered us a pizza for 7 bucks, but it was pepperoni, so I didnt want any. So martin, me, santa barbara, G, Kristy, and Marcos( this hella cool and funny guy who stays at the hostel) were all chilling there - them eating pizza for what seemed like forever. At some point during our loitering, Gil walked by, and we made out. He noticed how drunk I was and I was so impressed at how gentlemanly he was. I scored his digits and we moved on. Eventually, I had to pee like nobodys business, so I headed to Chris' house for some bud and use the bathroom. So I hung out with Chris and Carrie for a little while, listened to Chris be all big - brother like about me and guys and booze and bars, etc. Then Kristy and G came over, grabbed some B and we went back to G's to smoke a bowl and then we all crashed out around 5:30 in the morning. It was an incredibly random night but it was a friggen good time for sure.

Every time I go to the dawg house, its a story and a hella good time...

I kind of went overboard with the letters in this entry, huh...

3 drowned | coming for a swim?

[6:18pm | October 1st, 2005]
[ mood | anxious ]

I'm going to be in PA between the 1st and the 13th of December! Yay for eating real food! Im going to binge on cereal and whole foods/trader joes products. Also, yay for snowboarding, cheese boards at the shnach, and good times that im sure will be had. I can't wait! Im stoked...

2 drowned | coming for a swim?

[2:42pm | September 11th, 2005]
[ mood | anxious ]

Its kind of funny how dramatic everything seems while its happening and then in retrospect once you're used to the idea, its no longer a big deal and you start wondering what all the fuss was about. Its all about perspective. All the time...

On another note, I had a rather fun birthday. I could go on and on about what went down, but it would start to get repetative after the sixth or seventh bowl... Then came the Jack, straight up like a champ. Around 2:30 am Chris, Carrie, Zasha, and I headed to the dawg house. Zasha and Carrie are an absolute trip! The rest of the night was pretty much a blur... at one point I was passed out on Chris' couch... but somehow circa 6:30 am I managed to stumblingly navigate my way to my oh so comfy bed.

Yesterday was a total recoop day - showed up at work at 4 still kind of drunk from the night before, but managed to survive until midnight. And now Im counting down the last hour that Im slaving at the ho for today.

Im about to bust out some madskills with the shifter in a minute- late.

1 drowned | coming for a swim?

[10:10am | August 11th, 2005]
[ mood | intimidated ]

I don't want to accept it because I dont want this to be mistaken for anything other than what it was - a favour for a friend. But I will accept it because I know it will make you feel a whole lot better about the situation. And this whole thing was about you anyway.

Its kind of like acceptance of it means it never happened. Which is what you claimed you wanted in the first place. Not in the same way at least.

coming for a swim?

[12:58pm | July 17th, 2005]
Why must addictions be so expensive?
Oh, brother.
coming for a swim?

[6:58pm | July 1st, 2005]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

1.)Chris, one of my best Hawaii friends
2.)Lisa, First friend I made in HI and ex-roomie
3.)Lyss, Best friend from high school
4.)Katie, another best friend from high school
5.)J.B., practically a roommate as I live over at his apartment
6.)Maggie, real roommate and sugar mama! (she cooks for me)
7.)Carrie, Chris' gf, funniest person in the world
8.)Zasha, Carrie's roommate, manicure buddy
9.)Kristy, co-worker at the hostel, midnight swim buddy
10.)Sherri, big sister!
11.)Kris, brother, someone to shoot the shit with
12.)Mare, high school friend, fellow lotr loverrrrr
13.)Laura, bf from age 5 until I moved to HI
14.)Angel, Irish friend from the hostel
15.)R.J., Chris and J.B.'s roommate, best person to talk to while sobering up at 5 in the morning

What would you do if the person in #8 was the father of your child? I'd be a bit concerned if Zasha was a father.
Would you ever make-out with the person in #1? Nah, hes too much like a brother to me.
Have you ever had an R-rated dream with the person #4 involved? haha, no way. I love you Katie, but you just don't do it for me.
Ever dreamed of kissing the person in #15? dreamed? haha
What type of music does #7 enjoy listening to? An eclectic mix - I found out today that she loves Weezer though.
What size clothing does #14 wear? Probably a medium.
Would #1 & #4 make a cute couple? haha no way!
Is #2 a guy or a girl? Girl.
Have you ever cried over #6? lol, my lesbian roommie? I love her and all, but not like that.
Have you ever seen #3 cry? Yuppers.
Would you give your life for #5? yes, hes cooler than me anyways and will probably do more with his life :-P Oh yeah, and I love him to pieces; that too.
Is #7 more silly or serious? definitely silly
Do you think #9 will get married? Eventually, I think she definitely will.
How do you think person #10 will die? Sherri? Die? No way! A ripe old age from too many ultras!
Is there anything that the person in #13 is overly obsessed with? haha, pot - but I am too as of late, so its all good.
Does #11 have an obsession with shiny objects? Uh... not that Im aware of.
Is #13 a caffeine addict? She moved to New York so she probably is by now.
What color hair does #14 have? Dark brown/Black
How far does #15 live from you? He used to live across the street; now he lives in SoCal.
What is #14’s favorite color? I have no idea.
Have you ever been on a date with #4? We used to have exotic dinner dates all the time! I miss that so much!
Does #2 have any secret lovers? Im sure she does!
What would you do if #13 turned out to be your lover? Um... Id buy a lot of rainbow paraphernalia.
Is #6 innocent? Compared to most people, yes.
Can you picture #2 & #5 having a kid together? haha, nah. Although they've messed around a bit.
What if the person in #1 proclaimed their love for you? ha, yeah right. But Id tell him I like him just as a friend and shrug it off, bc i love him way too much to let things get awkward.
Has the person in #3 ever visited a foreign country? A whole bunch on family vacations and her senior trip to England.
How far does #5 live from you? Right across the street.
What would you do if you found out #3 was secretly your mother who traveled back in time to see you? I would wonder how I turned out how I did and why I look so different.
What is #6's last name? Monroy-Diaz
Do you find #8 to be attractive? Zasha is gorgeous. If I were a lesbian I would do her.
Give a random fact about #7. She has no stoplights in her hometown in Kansas.
Can #9 speak more than two languages? No, Im pretty sure she can speak bits and pieces of french and maybe spanish?
Does #11 spend hours surfing the web? Yup.
What is one of #12's hobbies/interests? making random films with ninjas.
What is #13’s middle name? holy shit, i cant believe i forget her middle name. Even though I havent spoken to her in months, she would kill me if she found out! Laura Marie Wisman? Im probably wrong.
Does #14 know who #15 is? Nope.

coming for a swim?

[10:46pm | June 29th, 2005]
[ mood | crushed ]

I wish I could tell you how much I really do care about you. As far as I can tell however, neither of us are the emotional or sappy type. I feel like I dont deserve to have that conversation with you. Recently there's been a lot of confusion, on my part at least. I think that, as a result of my apprehensiveness, I've royally fucked up. My treatment of you has fallen entirely too short of what you deserve. Not with intention, mind you; I would never consciously be so cold. My indecisiveness has probably confused you, or maybe Im just thinking too highly of myself. In the event that it has, however, I'd like to apologize. I cant even fathom my own attachment. I appreciate having you as a friend too much for anything to escalate. In case you haven't noticed, I tend to fuck up quite often in matters like this. I say that like I have a basis for comparison - I don't. Situations like this are completely foreign to me. I feel like I'm holding you back and that's the last thing I want to do. As it stands, I feel like Im your fail-safe. Something to come home to when all the chics at the bar are beat. I just cant give you what you want, and I feel guilty. I wish you nothing but happiness - at the cost of anything but that which would make me happy. Im confused and I dont know what to do. All I know is that I value having you in my life more than I can articulate. My inability to rationalize it has no lessening effect on my ability to feel it. I want nothing more than your happiness, which I hope (and Im sure) you'll find in some form or another a million times over in your life.

coming for a swim?

[8:40pm | June 29th, 2005]
i sit here clutching useless lists
and keys for doors that don't exist
i crack my teeth on pearls
i tear into the history
just show me what it means to me in this world
yeah in this world

'cause i am due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
'til i understand or go blind

i see the parts but not the whole
i study saints and scholars both
no perfect plan unfurls
do i trust my heart or just my mind
why is truth so hard to find in this world
yeah in this world

'cause i am due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
'til i understand or go blind

i know that there's a point I've missed
a shrine or stone i haven't kissed
a scar that never graced my wrist
a mirror that hasn't met my fist
but i can't help feeling like i'm

due for a miracle
i'm waiting for a sign
i'll stare straight into the sun
and i won't close my eyes
coming for a swim?

[11:50pm | June 25th, 2005]
coming for a swim?

[5:17pm | June 5th, 2005]
[ mood | apathetic ]

I feel like Im living the same day over and over. All I do everyday when im not working is get lit and sleep. Its a way to pass the time, I suppose. I constantly feel like Im nostalgic for something that never was. Its kind of sad and pathetic how all I want right now is for the next few years of my life or so to be over and done with. You only get so many years and here I am wishing mine away. How can so many people be sated so easily?

As always, though, I suppose things could be worse.

On the bright side, Ive been sleeping in an actual bed for the past week or so. I must admit, it's rather nice having a space of my own to crash out in. Im supposed to move in to Anna's room in a couple of weeks, but Im getting rather attached to my room right now. I love my roommate, Maggie. She's a sweetheart. And my room is all kind of zen like and hippied out from my decorations and candles and whatnot. It always smells like clean laundry scented candles, pot, and d&g light blue. Random mix but it works. Nate is crashing on our couch for the next five days or so until he can move in to his new apartment. Its all the way downtown though, but hes going to have a pool there so that might be fun.

**A guy with two parrots on his shoulders just walked by. Only in Waikiki.**

I need to find something in my life that I can look forward to - something to give me some much needed motivation. I just fail to see the point in things anymore. The whole world is trivial and monotonous.

It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together

coming for a swim?

[2:39pm | May 12th, 2005]
Yeah, so pretty much everythings gone to shit since I've moved out here. The bitterness is back - whats that someone once said about a new leaf?

The whole hostel job/free apartment concept went to hell. Full time can kiss my ass as Id rather shoot myself in the head - a very tempting idea as of late, actually.

The job at Arancino - while its great that Im sure Ive got it, Im just really not amped at all. Hostessing for a month,then possibly barbacking or food running and then waitressing? I guess I just was spoiled at the Shanachie and I have to get used to putting in my time. Maybe Ill find a newly opened restaurant so that its not so bad in that respect.

Barnes and Noble isnt hiring at the moment - fuckers.

The. roomie. is. crazy. pissed. No *fucking clue* what I did, but apparantly it was something. I think my personality or something about me rubs her the wrong way. Shes been working a lot lately so shes been royally pissed at a bunch of people. Its so wierd though as no matter how stressed she is, I have never seen her freak out at either of her two previous chic roommates. I dont know whether its because they didnt spend as much time with her, or what. I just get this feeling that she looks down on me, you know. Really condescending like. I dont even think she does it on purpose and I guess I am a lot younger and more naive so I cant really blame her for it. Its just so... well, I was going to say aggravating, but to tell you the truth I really don't give a fuck. It just makes for an uncomfortable living situation. I might just have to start searching for a new apartment. But that would require paying insane rent without a job. Kind of dont see that working out so well. I am le fucked. I must admit though that it would be nice to get out of our ghetto before I get violent. If one more drug dealing, disease ridden, fleabag tries anything or touches me again Im going to fucking lose it. Seriously, where in the fucking hell do these people come from that they think that they can just grab my ass or my boobs or put their slimy hands all over me? Is that normal behavior to anyone else? Nothing against drug dealers, but this one in particular really needs to fucking cool it. The smarmy git cannot take a fucking hint. And that male stripper that shadily stops by all the time - what the fuck doesnt even begin to cover it. Maybe I shouldnt stay out here and I should just buy a plane ticket somewhere crazy - like Africa. I kind of went in the wrong direction for that, didnt I?

I need to get the fuck over myself and just get a fucking education. Thats what coming out here was about, but I dont know if I can stomache a full year here doing fucking nothing in order to do that.
2 drowned | coming for a swim?

uncanny [11:32am | May 1st, 2005]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Sister, I'm not much a poet, but a criminal
And you never had a chance

1 drowned | coming for a swim?

[7:33pm | April 19th, 2005]
[ mood | lazy ]

I talked to Theo a couple times in the past two days. She's incredibly excited for me to help with Project Donna. She is going to pick me up on the 28th and we are going to go visit two of the people who the project helps. After that she is going to assign me to one of them depending on our personalities and their needs and whatnot. Im rather excited myself as I need to do something good for other people before I start to feel too self-interested. I also requested a Shriners app, so hopefully that will be underway soon as well. I also need to find a job - you know, income... minor detail. Inna told me about a job teaching english to japanese kids that I might be able to do in addition to waitressing at nights. Ill see how that pans out. In other news though, the job at the hostel is out as they decided to cut back on staff and wont be hiring anyone to replace anna when she leaves. That kind of sucks as it was the main reason I came out here - free apartment for two nights work... but sometimes things just suck and you have to get over them, I suppose. My optimism disgusts even me! I just can't wait to start school.

1 drowned | coming for a swim?

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